Introducing Awakened Praise

Sometimes, it’s hard to pinpoint where a person begins. Who am I?  My name is said to be my identity, but it doesn’t tell you who I truly am. So let me try to give you a glimpse of me: I’m just a girl, shy, often weighed down by depression and anxiety. My mind races, overthinking everything, and when I’m nervous, I speak too quickly, stumbling over my words. I’m not fond of my voice or laughter, especially when they’re recorded—it makes me cringe. I don’t talk much, and I’m terrible at small talk, especially when the conversation doesn’t hold my interest. I worry about seeming rude, so I’ll nod and smile, even when I’m struggling inside. Sometimes, I slip into a state where I dissociate, letting you speak until you run out of words, and though I feel guilty, it’s hard to pull myself out of it.

There are moments when I desperately want to join in, to be a part of the conversation, but I can’t find the words. It’s this gnawing sense of loneliness, the fear of being left out. And then there’s my body—sometimes I look at myself and don’t recognize what I see. I fall out of love with my clothes, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m tall, and that height often feels more like a burden than a blessing. My size fluctuates—on a good day, I’m a six; on a bad one, a seven. I’ve got a small head that I think looks like an egg, which makes me dread hairstyles with my natural hair. My eyes are small, though some people say they’re beautiful. I wouldn’t know—I’m blind without my glasses, which I wear all the time. My ears are big, but they stay hidden under my hair.

People tell me I have a beautiful smile, sometimes flirty, but I don’t like smiling in pictures, even though it’s my automatic pose in every picture. I like being in front of the camera, but the way others capture me often leaves me feeling disconnected from the image. I struggle to see the beauty in myself through their lens. Sometimes, I toy with the idea that maybe I could be a model, though it feels like a joke—a contradiction I can’t quite reconcile…